Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?