Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
You Might Also Like
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Thursday Thought.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”