Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The dark side of Canada
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.