I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains