When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.