Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
i baked you a cake