added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
man i love columbo
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!