Why do people say I鈥檓 washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 馃馃
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
The guy I鈥檝e been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don鈥檛 own any animals.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
nice challenge
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Raisins are grape jerky.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE