I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
You Might Also Like
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*3.5 thank you very much.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?