The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere