Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
craving $300 all of a sudden
i will not be silenced
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00