When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever