Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.