I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.