God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.