angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?