I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Oh the world we live in…
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.