My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
barbara was highly relatable
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.