sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
🛁
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.