Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother