My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
channeling her this year
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you breakdance you buy dance.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.