[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
work smarter, not harder
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.