Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Holy crap this is wonderful
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed