Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I was just discussing this with my cat
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.