[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.