I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.