The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”