How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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Worst Native American name ever.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.