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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
wish me luck lads
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.