Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Is your wife single?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.