(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee