In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“Huge”.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.