[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work