“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.