Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God