Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
There’s only one good girl here!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
But I really needed water water water
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.