Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
i think we should see other cousins
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”