When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it鈥檚 a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I鈥檓 going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I鈥檓 right here you know
me: I鈥檓 becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that鈥檚 any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
So my wife doesn鈥檛 like the new shampoo she bought. I鈥檒l give you two guesses who鈥檚 gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If I chase you, it鈥檚 definitely with a flamethrower.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they鈥檒l never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I鈥檓 sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream