me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Monday
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.