FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.