Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.