Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Spotted in New Orleans.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.