I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?