me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Baking is just science you can eat.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS