why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Auto correct is my worst enema.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I feel it
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ