Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.