I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Found the job I’m suited for
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.