Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
fixed it
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
A leaf blower, but for people.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed