You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Animal poetry
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”