I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.